How to Know If You Need Couples Therapy

“We probably should’ve done this sooner.”

This is one of the most common things I hear from couples when they finally come in. They’ve known for a long time that things are not well in their relationship, and yet everything in them to this point has resisted seeking outside help.

Often, things aren’t necessarily catastrophic (though sometimes they are). Instead, it’s that the couple has been sitting with the same friction, the same distance, the same argument on a loop, for longer than felt good. Somewhere along the way, couples tend to prefer what’s familiar, even if it’s dyfunctional.

In all honesty, I get it. Reaching out for couples therapy feels like an admission that something is wrong. For a lot of couples, especially high-functioning ones, there's a quiet internal standard that says you should be able to work this out on your own. “Therapy is for people in crisis. Therapy is the last resort. It’s for people with problems.” So it must not be for us… or so the feelings go.

This is where proper push back is needed. Relationship, simply put, is very difficult. There’s a reason divorce rates are high as they are. So, attending couples therapy does not mean something is fundamentally wrong with you or your relationship. It means there are dynamics at play that you and your partner may not be able to see, dynamics that are impacting you and which you don’t have too much control over at the moment.

The Question Worth Asking First

Before I get into specific signs that you may need couples therapy, I think there are more useful questions than "do we need couples therapy?" For example: Is there a version of our relationship I want that we can't seem to get to on our own? Have we been repeating patterns of conflict for longer than we’d like?

If the answer is yes or even maybe, that's probably enough. Therapy isn't only for relationships in freefall or in crisis. It's for relationships that have real potential and real stuck points, for relationships where you’ve simply realized a third party’s observations could provide value and benefit.

That said, most people want something more concrete. Most, understandably, want some help determining if this is the right move for them.

So here's what I actually see in the couples who come through our door.

6 Signs It's Probably Time To Start Couples Therapy

The same argument keeps happening.

Not just a similar topic; the exact same argument, with the same roles, the same escalation, the same unresolved ending. Maybe it's about the division of labor at home. Maybe it's about how you handle conflict in front of the kids. Maybe it's about how one of you shuts down when the other gets loud. Whatever the content, if you've had a version of it twenty times and nothing has fundamentally shifted, your issues may run deeper than simply communication. You’re stuck in a real pattern of relating. And patterns aren’t resolved with quick fixes or the realization that you should take space when heated. They demand understanding.

You feel more like roommates than partners.

This one tends to fly more under the radar and can be harder to name. Life is full. You're co-managing a household, maybe kids, maybe aging parents, jobs, schedules. Somewhere in the logistics, the actual relationship, i.e. the intimacy, the attunement, the sense that this person really knows you, has disappeared. You're not fighting. But you’re also not connecting. Couples often wait longer to come in for this one because it doesn't feel urgent. But disconnection, left unaddressed, tends to deepen.

One or both of you have stopped bringing things up.

This is a sign I take seriously. When someone in a relationship stops raising issues, stops mentioning the thing that bothered them, or stops asking for what they need, it usually doesn't mean things have improved. It means they've quietly concluded it's not worth it. Conflict avoidance has taken over. This trend, even if it makes day-to-day life smoother, is a slow erosion. Therapy is often about rebuilding the belief that it's safe to surface things again. The absence of conflict is not a sign of health, it’s a sign that someone isn’t talking or being honest. Healthy conflict is inevitable when you bring different people together.

There's been a rupture that hasn't fully healed.

Infidelity is the obvious one, but it's far from the only kind of relational rupture. A significant betrayal of trust, a period of mental health crisis, a loss handled badly, a decision made unilaterally. The list goes on. Any of these can leave something underneath the surface that never quite resolved, even if life went on. If you notice that an old wound still has charge or still gets activated in certain moments, that's worth attention.

You're having the same conflict about parenting, and it's affecting your kids.

Parenting disagreements are one of the most common things that bring couples in, and also one of the most urgent. Kids are acutely attuned to tension between parents, even when it's not explicit. When couples can't find a collaborative footing around parenting, it stresses the co-parenting relationship and it stresses the kids. This is one where I'd encourage people not to wait.

One of you has already brought it up.

If your partner has asked about couples therapy, that's a sign worth taking seriously regardless of where you personally land on it. The ask itself is data about how they're experiencing the relationship. Meeting it with openness, even if you're skeptical, usually matters a great deal.

What Couples Therapy Isn't

I want to name a few things I notice people are afraid of, because they're worth dispelling.

Couples therapy is not a space where a therapist mediates who is right. We’re not here to adjudicate your arguments or assign fault. What we’re actually trying to understand is the dynamic between you and your partner—the ways you each contribute to patterns that neither of you individually designed or wants. That's a very different frame, and most couples find it considerably less threatening once they're actually in the room. The goal is creating clarity for couples and helping them learn how to actually hearwhat their partner is saying, even if they disagree with it.

It's also not a last resort. The couples who tend to do the best work are not the ones who are barely hanging on with 30 years of disconnection and unaddressed conflict under the bridge. Rather, they're the ones who still have genuine investment in each other and enough goodwill in the relationship to do something uncomfortable together. Both parties being motivated and willing is critical to positive outcomes. If you're reading this and still feel warmth or openness toward your partner, even alongside real frustration, that's actually a good sign.

What Depth-Oriented Couples Therapy Looks Like Here

At Forbes Individual & Family Therapy, couples therapy isn't primarily a skills-based intervention. We're not just teaching you communication scripts or conflict resolution techniques (though some of that may be useful along the way).

What we're actually doing is going a level deeper: looking at the attachment patterns each of you brings into the relationship, the emotional histories that shaped how you handle closeness and conflict, and the ways those histories interact with each other, often in ways neither of you consciously chose. We’re looking at how you might be resisting vulnerability or trapped in fear. Really understanding that dynamic tends to produce the kind of change that holds.

That process takes time. I want to be honest about that. We typically recommend weekly sessions, at least in the early months, and meaningful change in relational patterns often unfolds over six months to a year. But what comes out the other side is usually something considerably more durable than a temporary reduction in fighting.

A Note on Timing

I'll close with this: the couples who tend to struggle most in therapy are not the ones with the hardest problems. Instead, it’s usually the ones who waited so long that the goodwill between them has worn thin. Often where resentment has solidifed and the emotional investment has quietly receded.

The couples who do the best work are the ones who come in while they still care enough to be frustrated. Frustration means something still matters. And that's a lot to work with.

If you're considering couples therapy in Newport Beach or anywhere in Orange County, we'd genuinely welcome the conversation.

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Bryan Forbes is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT #150052) and Co-Founder of Forbes Individual & Family Therapy in Newport Beach, CA. He works with couples navigating persistent conflict, disconnection, and relational ruptures using a depth-oriented, psychodynamic approach. Forbes IFT serves couples throughout Orange County, including Newport Beach, Irvine, Costa Mesa, and online throughout California.